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July 28, 2012
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Journal Entry: Sat Jul 28, 2012, 11:15 PM
Normally I am blogTV ever single day. In most cases I don't to mind going on there and blathering my head off and listening to myself speak while in most cases people agree with me. For the most part people enjoy the art and the conversation, yet I feel like in many instances I go out my way to say things to try and amuse my viewers.

I found that over the last year or two I have developed some bad habits that don't seem to be fitting for my age and responsibility. Thats sounds really high and mightly-like, but the fact is that when you have kids, you view yourself in a different light.

I feel like the example of what I stand for has been sidelined in lieu of being popular with my viewers, that what you see is infact an elaborate act. The same type of act I put on at work and almost all places where I live. Maybe everyone is like that in that they have only so much they show while the rest they keep hidden for fear of retribution or insecurities of other kinds.

Interestingly, I found that this has pervaded my art as well, so much so that things I would not have drawn before hand, I now find myself branded by. The question comes to mind that what am I doing drawing what I am drawing at my age. When I was in my 20's, the stuff I drew was appropriate for my age, but now in my current position it just doesn't feel right.

Needless to say I need to pay the bills and feed my family, and that this is the career that I chose. I find a lot of my fans cheer me on and yet and maybe only perhaps don't know that I really am not a supporter of many aspect of the industry that I work in. It's not that i look down on anyone or anything, everyone has a right to spend their time  and life how they seem fit for better or for worse, but I find my work at contradiction to what I believe.

Case in point: Many of the female characters that I draw I would never what to see my daughters emulate or even watch for amusement. Thats goes for game related work and otherwise. Even my own Girl7 book contains many things that I feel shameful about, but still is champoined by girls and male fans alike.

The line that I draw in myself to seperate this contradiction is that what i do for work in one thing,s and what I do on the side in my own time is another. In other words, if I didn't need to work this much to pay bills, I would be doing something different than this.

Seems simple enough, although another things croped up: As I have got a better handle on my work and style, I am beginning to enjoy my art a lot more as it is closer to how I view it. This is a quest of mine andmaybe all artists that you some how capture what you see in your mind. Enjoying something in some ways can be seen as condoning it in my mind at least, and the issue with that is the constant bombarding of this type of work I feel has desensitized me from my viewpoint. It's only now and then that I look at my work and marvel how things I do now would not have happened before.

Some woudl argue that the tempering of my hang-ups is more inline with the mellowing that happens with age, however, when that mellowing is in your perceieved morals it is more along the lines of a watering down of virtue and purity. Thats how I see it at least.

When i am drawing on BlogTV and all of you are earnestly cheering me on with persistence, I realize that many a time when I want to stop I don't just to make you guys happy. That's my choice and not an obligation you would tell me and I know that. However I feel as though I haven't been balanced enough in my approach to allow myself the time to sit and consider the work I am on and also sort out my own stance on my ever changing landscape of work, which it very much is.

The work that I am on now has the potential to catapult my career more, and add more jewels to my work portfolio. The nature of that work takes a lot of concentration and I find that sort of liesurely quality of work to be a but more limited. The need to do commissions is not so much there any more and as such will come to a lull till maybe October. I mean if i don't need to, I don't want to do commissions. Thats part of the reason why I charge a lot, my time is very expensive because I have very little of it.

For a few of my close friends I like doing commissions though and they know who they are, and they let me do as I please which makes it fun.

As for Girl7 part 2 and any and all things 5th Capsule, I just do not have time right now at all. I already hardly see my children because of a far commute and other reasons, plus I am a very simple person who can only do things one at a time. So right now, my major job is Wonder Momo, and as it looks right now with how well it's been received you can count on seeing more of that. In many ways it is the Ibuki Legends of 2012 for me as many of the things I have learned over the years are beeing honed in that series. I am still teaching as well, though I have cut my load down to make more time for this job.

Next year i am planing to go to Egypt and maybe Turkey for Ramadan, this is more fr my children to see distant relatives and get more of a feel of a Muslim country. Here in Canada, amoung my work mates I am the only one fasting and so it feels as though I am alone in that. However there, everyone is fasting and so the whole society is changed for that month giving a stronger feeling of oneness, which i want my daughters  to know exists.

We are also looking to see if it might be a place we consider living, but one step at a time.

Well, quite a few thoughts in this journal, and I thank you if you've read this far. Forgive me if I don't respond to all the notes and messeges, but know that when I do read up here I do take your advice and viewpoints with care and the sincerity it deserves.


I really do thank you guys and I hope I have been of some use to you.


Asalaamu Alaikum = Peace be upon you!



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:iconbwahhahahaaa:
bwahhahahaaa Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2012  Student Digital Artist
So i'm not gonna offer advice,seems to be plenty here.

Just gonna say,thanks for sharing.Now I know this industry can change people and I should watch out,so thanks. :]
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:iconrinukon:
rinukon Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2012   General Artist
It's important as an artist, and in any career, to enjoy what you're doing. If not, then you just end up feeling miserable.
It's also important that you don't do work for thousands of people around the world. Do work for yourself and the people close to you, because in all honesty, you/they're the only people who matter. Think about it: If you never had dA and none of your work was online, who would be your supporters? Your family. Your friends. Everyone who cares about you.

We all love your art and respect any decision you make, especially when it comes to protecting your children and your values.
Please know that we are here to support you no matter what.
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:iconpyrobedlam:
pyrobedlam Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2012
When I first caught your show on BTV I decided to stay and watch what you were doing because I was learning PS and you have some crazy skill with it. Your work is pretty amazing..but I can completely relate to it being something that you wouldn't want your girls to be a part of..but I think thats just because you try to be a GREAT parent and do everything you can for them. Draw some more cars!
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:iconarynchris:
ArynChris Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2012
What we see is what you show; if you show us Girl 7, that's what we see. I am curious now, reading this journal, what you actually like and want to draw...

...why not draw some things that better fit what's in your heart, what you believe, and suit you? Draw something you'd show to your kids, draw something you personally are happy with and proud of, and post it. Maybe you're trapping yourself in this industry; if you start showing us something else, the things you really like, you might be surprised at how many people will like it. Maybe even better than what you've already got posted (although of course there will be people who prefer Girl 7).
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:iconkyuuen:
Kyuuen Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2012
^^^
Reply
:icondinobottm2:
dinobottm2 Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2012
I have been following you for a while, but never commented or commisioned anything, but this time i felt like i could say a few words.

First, i believe that there is nothing wrong with your art. Your girls are gorgeous and sexy, but they are never vulgar, and that's kinda rare. They are pretty, but never slutty. So, they're not a bad example. BUT, if you believe different, follow your heart. There is no money that can buy peace of mind, so do what you feel you must do. Your art is still gorgeous and you will be able to make a living even if you stop drawing cute girls. I wish you didn't, but i'm not the one in charge here.

On another subject, if you want to move to a Muslin country, i strongly sugest either Turkey or Morroco. Egypt is in the middle of a revolution that shows no sign of ending soon, so, and the rest of the Arab world is in a similar situation. I would honestly avoid them for now. Turkey really is the best choice.

Be happy. Everything else comes second.
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:iconjuanstewart:
juanstewart Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2012
Ya akhi, I know exactly where you are coming from with this trust me. You got to be true to yourself, especially when it comes to the deen. Some of my folks prefer me to draw more Islamic related things or just paint fine arts anything nature related. I keep it real though, cartoons and comics is my thing and I’m happy I came back after finding myself to later understand where I stand with what I want to do with it. I deal with it as being just entertainment and when I’m done performing I can go back to my real world, this is how I see it and deal with things when it comes to my beliefs.

Ha! My family prefer me to be a student of knowledge of the deen, because of the knowledge I have, and they keep advising me but I honestly can’t deal with that because I love art and I love creating a world my mind can escape into, especially when I’m stressed. Don’t get me wrong I’m true to myself and my beliefs but I've been through so much and still going through stuff that at the end of the day I prefer to draw and keep drawing what it is I want to draw to relax, hey we’re only human.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this akhi, you are an awesome artist, take care man. Enjoy the rest of your Ramadan.

Assalamu alaiykum wa rahmatullah
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:icondperez25:
DPerez25 Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2012
I was talking about the whole "act" that we ALL putility on for other people with my friend, and tell you that your very close to the truth. We ALL act a certain way , it psychologically proven, so don't feel bad because we ALL do it.

As for your art , it is clear to your viewers that your art is enjoyed by both Udall bad you. Regardless of your we all have an inner child, some more than other. As viewed by me , child's are what give light to this world . So don't give up on your inner child.

I see what you mean with your daughters, but I feel that as you grow and they grow you can have a more mature talk and develop your own thesis . This is for the case for both of you. The talks will help both of you grow.

Commissions are fun and I never look back on the price because they are worth it ! I should know what a commission is worth because I've waited 2 years for 1 !!!!!!

Than k you for your point of view and art

Diego
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:iconrenoblade:
RenoBlade Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
The conflict reminds me of my still pending decision of which posters i should hang on my walls.
I realy like manga girls, but i fear any visitor maybe shocked if i have something on the walls, that does look too much manga, or even ecchi.
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:iconchevi:
Chevi Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Wow reading this was like reading my own life. I've done commissions for over 8+ years now, and it's gotten to a point where what I'm known for just isn't me, and I've forgotten what it is that I like to draw. I also stream my work for others too, and I find myself doing and saying things I would otherwise not do or say simply to entertain others.

All I can say is, you're not alone, and I hope that you're able to sort out things. You're a hard worker and I hope that things become more "you" very soon.
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