Normally I am blogTV ever single day. In most cases I don't to mind going on there and blathering my head off and listening to myself speak while in most cases people agree with me. For the most part people enjoy the art and the conversation, yet I feel like in many instances I go out my way to say things to try and amuse my viewers.
I found that over the last year or two I have developed some bad habits that don't seem to be fitting for my age and responsibility. Thats sounds really high and mightly-like, but the fact is that when you have kids, you view yourself in a different light.
I feel like the example of what I stand for has been sidelined in lieu of being popular with my viewers, that what you see is infact an elaborate act. The same type of act I put on at work and almost all places where I live. Maybe everyone is like that in that they have only so much they show while the rest they keep hidden for fear of retribution or insecurities of other kinds.
Interestingly, I found that this has pervaded my art as well, so much so that things I would not have drawn before hand, I now find myself branded by. The question comes to mind that what am I doing drawing what I am drawing at my age. When I was in my 20's, the stuff I drew was appropriate for my age, but now in my current position it just doesn't feel right.
Needless to say I need to pay the bills and feed my family, and that this is the career that I chose. I find a lot of my fans cheer me on and yet and maybe only perhaps don't know that I really am not a supporter of many aspect of the industry that I work in. It's not that i look down on anyone or anything, everyone has a right to spend their time and life how they seem fit for better or for worse, but I find my work at contradiction to what I believe.
Case in point: Many of the female characters that I draw I would never what to see my daughters emulate or even watch for amusement. Thats goes for game related work and otherwise. Even my own Girl7 book contains many things that I feel shameful about, but still is champoined by girls and male fans alike.
The line that I draw in myself to seperate this contradiction is that what i do for work in one thing,s and what I do on the side in my own time is another. In other words, if I didn't need to work this much to pay bills, I would be doing something different than this.
Seems simple enough, although another things croped up: As I have got a better handle on my work and style, I am beginning to enjoy my art a lot more as it is closer to how I view it. This is a quest of mine andmaybe all artists that you some how capture what you see in your mind. Enjoying something in some ways can be seen as condoning it in my mind at least, and the issue with that is the constant bombarding of this type of work I feel has desensitized me from my viewpoint. It's only now and then that I look at my work and marvel how things I do now would not have happened before.
Some woudl argue that the tempering of my hang-ups is more inline with the mellowing that happens with age, however, when that mellowing is in your perceieved morals it is more along the lines of a watering down of virtue and purity. Thats how I see it at least.
When i am drawing on BlogTV and all of you are earnestly cheering me on with persistence, I realize that many a time when I want to stop I don't just to make you guys happy. That's my choice and not an obligation you would tell me and I know that. However I feel as though I haven't been balanced enough in my approach to allow myself the time to sit and consider the work I am on and also sort out my own stance on my ever changing landscape of work, which it very much is.
The work that I am on now has the potential to catapult my career more, and add more jewels to my work portfolio. The nature of that work takes a lot of concentration and I find that sort of liesurely quality of work to be a but more limited. The need to do commissions is not so much there any more and as such will come to a lull till maybe October. I mean if i don't need to, I don't want to do commissions. Thats part of the reason why I charge a lot, my time is very expensive because I have very little of it.
For a few of my close friends I like doing commissions though and they know who they are, and they let me do as I please which makes it fun.
As for Girl7 part 2 and any and all things 5th Capsule, I just do not have time right now at all. I already hardly see my children because of a far commute and other reasons, plus I am a very simple person who can only do things one at a time. So right now, my major job is Wonder Momo, and as it looks right now with how well it's been received you can count on seeing more of that. In many ways it is the Ibuki Legends of 2012 for me as many of the things I have learned over the years are beeing honed in that series. I am still teaching as well, though I have cut my load down to make more time for this job.
Next year i am planing to go to Egypt and maybe Turkey for Ramadan, this is more fr my children to see distant relatives and get more of a feel of a Muslim country. Here in Canada, amoung my work mates I am the only one fasting and so it feels as though I am alone in that. However there, everyone is fasting and so the whole society is changed for that month giving a stronger feeling of oneness, which i want my daughters to know exists.
We are also looking to see if it might be a place we consider living, but one step at a time.
Well, quite a few thoughts in this journal, and I thank you if you've read this far. Forgive me if I don't respond to all the notes and messeges, but know that when I do read up here I do take your advice and viewpoints with care and the sincerity it deserves.
I really do thank you guys and I hope I have been of some use to you.
Asalaamu Alaikum = Peace be upon you!